Because of YOU...

Everyone finally got a name for my new lj. Hope you guys add me!!

-Add me to add you back...K:)

-have so much to say, alot has happened

i_chose_you

i_chose_you

i_chose_you

              Alot has been going on and has been changed.  I got to do this because my easy ways out weren't helping anymore. I almost lost total control of myself! I don't know if you guys know what happened but I just needed to be by myself...I couldn't handle anything anymore...so I left and disappeared for awhile. It was kinda scary being by myself but I thought about alot. I went to you know who for help and he pushed me away!! YEAH, He left me even more alone. I went for some help because I thought you cared about me? I at least thought that you could do something except just ask me questions and tell me to leave oh and why because your girlfriend was going over!!!!!!!! (ouch) I left totally was even more lost you had a girlfriend huh this whole time?! I DON'T KNOW WHY I WAS EVEN MESSING WITH YOU! I called you later and you know that "bye" it was forever no-more I don't want you in my new life I'm going to try and have Now. I'm young and might not be able to be wtih you right now but you told me to wait and if you can't wait right now then I won't either! Why can't you just tell the truth? Why is it so hard for you? If you really knew what I know bout you, you'd be surprised and wouldn't be able to look me in my eyes! anyways I don't want to see you anymore, talk to you at all, you just all of a sudden started lying to me, and you know what I'm not going to put up with it no-more. I wasted already enough of my time with you!

I want to finish this off with saying how much I love Cassy, Brisa, Josh, Sabrina, and Andrew sooo much! You don't know who really cares about you till they go out and help your family plus show  what it is to be a friend! I don't know what I'm going to do to give you my thanks and all the SORRY'S I owe you! I'm thankfull for all you guys and so glad to have you in my life! Thanks to everyone who called me and was there!! Everything is going to get better and because of the people I'm going to choose to have in my new life!

This is the end of </a>promise_kiss72</a>  it was about you but I don't even know who you are anymore!

p.s. still comment on this, comment if you want to be added to my new lj, and thanks for everything all my friends have ever done for me even just a "hi" put a smile on my face!

~anyone wanna give me some ideas for my new lj? don't have a name yet?~

I have a game today at 9:30 at Jags vs. Donna so not ready to play! Yesterday was a blast:

 ...woke up went to sociology class took my first college exam (was hard), got home to see rallie and monica waiting at my house to go to open gym, went to open gym played a game with the guys but lost BY ONE POINT, left open gym dropped off monica at friends house headed to rallie's house he owed me lunch! (justin, rallie, marco, esteban, noey, chapa and me there) ate pizza then watched them yell and go crazy playing halo 2...was crazy!! They finished justin commited suicide alot, rallie got killed by everyone more than 20times,  in the end esteban WON! went home got ready to go to prac. from 3:00 to 5:00 left prac. got ready to go to cassy's for our surprise going away bachanga for "ERIC RIOS" my awesome bad-a coach was sad but fun got home and crashed!

go...spurs...go!!!!!!!

       Everything Sucks Right Now! I'm dying literally. I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm scaring myself. I love you and you say you love me but your with someone else. What do I do? I've been crying, been sad, been here thinking we had another chance, and you can have me if you want me! 2:22p.m. you thinking of me, huh? Bye...

 I'm always busy now let me make this one a make up for all the journals I've not written!

            well...today the spurs play!! HELL YEAH there is gonna be a real b-ball game there. Whoever said that they weren't gonna make it to the finals????? Niggas back off the spurs they are there and ready to take it!!

Let me tell you my schedule for people that are able to sleep in, wake-up, sit on your ass all day, make trips to the frig., say your bored, and think your summer sucks! (wanna trade your day with me don't say "yes" yet listen...) wake-up at 5:30a.m. get ready to get picked up at 7:10a.m., dropped off at Pan-Am to take sociology 101 which begins at 7:45a.m. ends 9:45a.m., get out of class wait to get picked up by my cousin head off to basketball practice from 10:00a.m. to 12:00, mom then comes and gets me to drop me off at parks & rec. to volunteer there from 1:00p.m. to 5:00p.m., leave go home and get dressed to go to Memorial Middle School to coach the upcoming freshman team or to Economedes High School to play a basketball game at 5:30p.m. or later! Yeah guys that's my day I feel like I'm never home resting like I should be and sometimes feel like still in school! G2G got to get ready for freshman game at 5:30p.m. then a game at 6:30p.m.

do i love you?

do i dare?

all these questions

 in the air.

we're near,

but so far.

we're close,

and yet so far apart.

i despise you,

 i want you,

i hate you,

i love you.

confusion fills me,

 but love fills my heart.

 doubt controls my mind

should we part?

i wonder what to do.

 should i choose me,

or should i choose you?

so back to the question,

DO I LOVE YOU?

i agree with it

but part of me says 'adeau'

                 Today, I woke up at 4 in the morning from excruciating pain on my knee and then I started thinking of "you know who"! Once I think of him it takes awhile to stop. I was wide awake, getting ready to go to school everything was going okay, my mom was taking me to school,  I bought a Q-Taco, and got to school to start the worst day of my life!! Totally went wrong from there and what little did I know everything was going wrong with <3. It was a boring day with evil subs in almost all my classes except for Mr. Davis in Chemistry...well...my friends were being cool making me laugh but that little something was missing! I was bored of taking notes, being in the worst 2nd. period class of English, and tired did I mention FRUSTRATED(alot)! Then comes lunch ash nowhere to be found? What they were serving was vamitor! Yeah, I had money waited for ever to have 3 hot wings got them ate with David bell rang didn't get to enjoy them, got thirsty and then machine EATS my Dollar! Had change but not enough! LORD!!!! No therapy have to ride the bus got off early at Gloria's and I call <3 to say "hay", then I knew that April 25 was the worst of all. He had a heart incident I really don't know what? Not a heartattack but bad that he was in the hospital in the morning till who knows? But can you just imagine me wanting to go home, having a bad day, and calling him to hear he almost died! I could've cried but nothing came out (I guess I was in shock) until I really thought of everything and what I heard...I got home teared;( everything went wrong today(EVERYTHING) I just wish I could've been there for him and I think why was it like this to me today? Thinking here about everything with him and me I would've died myself if he would not been here! It's scary but I think what would I do with out YOU! It made me realize alot...it's weird to because Kendra did this card game and told me alot. Maybe we should not wait so long because it's an opportunity I want and don't ever want to regret missing out! Things are changing and so quickly. I know what I need to do and I don't want to lose you! My day terrible, crazy, and you not being there would kill me!

       My last entries have been depressing but now it has all changed when I saw <3 (you know) today! Then I just found out that he thinks I don't want him to be around me and that I've been acting weird? If you only knew what has happened the last week...alot! I missed him so much!! I saw him yesterday and today it was so awesome to be able to be with him, it had been a terrible long time. I don't know but it seems like your hiding something from me or that you are thinking differently about me!?  Do you have something to say? I know I can be different or all like whatever about what you might say but when you are talking to me I don't know how to act? I can smile but then I might have something in my teeth, I can say yes to everything but what if you think I'm not even listening and looking at your kissy lips! I freeze!! It's hard to act myself with you even though you know everything about me! I'm hoping that maybe wednesday till sunday we will be able to do something! (Hopefully) You know I will want to but it's all up to you.  Don't worry I'm still obessed with you and Will Be Forever! I wanted to say thanks for being there for me with my knee and everything helping me with what I should do to get it better (you sound smart), hoping nothing is wrong,  just asking me how I'm doing, asking questions, and the little things. IT SHOWS YOU CARE! These are the things why I am so in love with you!

"say that you want me, say that you'll never leave me, you got to tell me you need me"

"when you smile i melt inside, im not worthy for a minute of your time, i really wish it was only me & you, im jealous of everybody in the room"

--where are you when i need you most..

"you do something to me, that I can't explain"

I don't know what to say about my LOVER<3 (LMAO) It isn't that dramatic no more it's strange I'm waiting for you to do something I want you more than you can imagine! I think of you at night, everything about you, I dream about you, and the next day hope to see you. yeah, it sounds all cheesy but it's the way you get when you have met someone that you just can't forget ever! You made a litte section of you in me!

maybe if i carve your name on my wrists then you`ll always be with me.

sorry I haven't written in so long it's been really crazy at my house and I've ruined my relationship with my dad! I got in so much trouble on Monday! yeah... I got my phone taken away I am going to be grounded for the rest of my life and I might not be able to be in the Lady Hoop Stars traveling team! My life has gotten ruined and I don't know what to do? My mom has been crying alot and it really tears me more because my mom is hurting because my dad and I aren't talking anymore! I went to the doctors yesterday I'm now on crutches! they suck and hurt my arms! I might very slightly need surgery very scary! it could be my ligament, cartliege, or my minniscus! My physical therapist (what I'm interested in doing) said that I might have torn something! well....I'm praying that brisa is doing okay she tore her ACL and had surgery today! I really don't know what to do anymore with my dad it's very difficult to say sorry to your dad when he doesn't want to talk to you! though I have to say thanks to all my friends that have been there to cheer me up in school... you guys are helping alot! well.. hopefully I'll write soon!let me leave you with this quote that made alot of things make sense!

"Enjoy the little the little things in life, for one day you'll REALIZE, they were the Big things!"

MY WHOLE LIFE SUCKS. EVERYDAY IS GETTING MORE BORING BY EVERY DAY. I HURT MY KNEE IT REALLY HURTS.  I'M ALL DEPRESSED BECAUSE I'M GOING TO GET FAT SINCE I CAN'T DO ANYTHING. IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME ANYMORE! I HATE EVERYTHING! I JUST WANT TO GO IN TO MY ROOM AND CRY......bye.

You guys probably heard about my good news today! I probably blurted it out and then your response was "What's going to happen NOW"?  I have NO CLUE! well...You haven't written anything why is that? What's going on in your head? I don't know how your feeling anymore. You got me wondering... I need some of  your real good advice! That whole "HOPE" thing was getting good. It was helping me out in having alittle more OOFF in this whole waiting thing. well.. I got to get to doing my research! That's all I really have in my mind. 

                          What I have been writing has been alot of messy writing, quotes, songs, or things I write about every day to remind me of what happened with <3 that day! Yesterday, I got really sick once again I was dehydrated! I remember the day of a big game everyone was counting on me to stop this really big girl that was the star of Rio Grande and with my fast defense,  not getting tired, being able to stay with my girl so that she never touches the ball, bieng so quick I was going to play that (big heffer) one on one!  I was going TO HAVE to stop her from anything! But, there was a promblem I started feeling real sick, dizzy, I couldn't stand up... I was dehydrated...well.... last night it happened again... I was having so much fun and then it just ended... REALLY SUCKED! I stayed up drinking water all night long. In the morning I found out alot about "you know who"! <3 is not with his girlfriend anymore!  It made me less guilty of what him and me do! It's a feeling like Oh Thank God! but then it's like everyone is going to want  him now or he might want someone now too! maybe not right now but it made me scared. <3 I can't say that I'm not happy but I hope your doing ok and if you need someone I'll be there...whatever you want! It might not be that awesome for you now that your single! Maybe it's a sign... you don't need her you know that! ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS... She is sooo stupid to have ever thought of not wanting to be with you! forget her your going to find someone else! But don't find anyone to soon have fun being single. ok got to get ready for the ALL-star game!

p.s. I'm still here waiting............

To my Life of Relationships that didn't work,

To the map of this human heart starts at the age of 15.

When I lost my virginity to a man slightly older than me,

Like most young girls It was based on the many lies I told him.

Just to hold him and show him.

I had so much to prove,

Like I had more experience than he thought I knew.

And though It wasn't true,

It was amazing.

But it almost ended because I did what most young girls do,

I listened to the rumors and the lies of a fool.

Nowadays it just don't seem cool,

Tell me, what the hell I'm supposed to do?

And then something gave me a clue,

" The only way out, is the way through"